Ours is a shallow culture. The things that we ought to hold as important we don’t. The silly, little things which should mean nothing, mean all.

A name. How important can a name be? And yet, our names may be our destinies.

When Mr. and Mrs. Geraldine Gianzero’s Parents had their little daughter, something about her reminded them of Flip Wilson in drag.

When Mike’s parents (Which Mike? That’s the point.) decided, let’s name our son the same thing that everyone else in America is naming their son this year, was this in the best interest of the child? (By the way, have you noticed that not one of them feels the need to call himself "Michael (Mike)"?)

And then there is Ralph. COME ON PARENTS! You went and gave your kid a name that’s a euphemism for barfing! This is a baby we’ve got here, and he’s got to grow up hearing "After that 8th shot of tequila I ralphed all over my shoes."

Don’t do this to a child! I, Uncle Betty, know the burden of an ill-considered Christening!

OK, there was Ralph Bellamy. But he was a handsome man with a head of hair like a God!

And, to be honest, our Ralph isn’t.

As to the hair. It really isn’t so big a deal. Look at how Mike Erroneous deals with male pattern baldness. He shaves his head. And he looks fine.

Well, sure, he looks a little weasley. But no one says that it is an unhandsome weasliness.

Unfortunately, when it came to handsomeness, the Lord had other plans for Ralph. And mysterious are His ways (the Lord’s I mean) (well, come to think of it so are Ralph’s).

But, but, but...what’s with the comb-over? Shave your head, wear a wig, get implants, tattoos, cover your head in tin foil...any of these has to better than that comb-over. Come on now!

So, is it any wonder that a baby so ill treated by his parents, who became a man, so cast aside by the Hair Club for Men, would turn to the dark side?

Do not merely look at Ralph, sneer and turn away. Look at Ralph, feel some pity, then sneer and turn away.

John Burke is the Democratic candidate for Woodbury Town Supervisor. His running mates are Darlene Reveille and Amidee Havilland, both candidates for the Town Council.

John Burke's wife is a Republican. The Republican Candidates for these three positions are Sheila Conroy, Geraldine Gianzero and Mike Queenan.

Pretty boring so far, huh? Stick around.

Parenthetical Henry (Hank) Sullivan is running for the Town Council on the Dancing Carnivore ticket or something.

Ralph Caruso, head of the Town Republican Party is not out there talking up the virtues of his party's candidates (and a virtuous group they are). His heart belongs to the man with the parentheses: Henry (Hank).

So, does John festoon his lawn with signs for Darling Darlene and Amiable Amidee? Does John's wife insist on equal time for her parties champions Gerri and Mike?

No Siree Bob! Here's what one sees:

Now to be fair (and Uncle Betty is always, always, always fair) this picture was taken before the primary. Is the sign still up? Dunno.

BUT

on Woodbury Day (After the primary mind you) John Burke was handing out (Hank)'s flyers at the Democrats' table.

Ay Caramba Johnny Boy, this is not a good thing. It is called "Selling out your running mates" and in many parts of the world it is punishable by making shame shame finger motions in the general direction of the guilty party.

I fear that we must put a big, red Does Not Play Well With Others into Johnny's permanent record.

And, while you may be displeasing your running mates, your party's officials and the finely tuned sensibilities of the Uncle, who the heck do you please by doing such a mean and rotten thing?

Oh.

Yeah.

I get it.

piece # 2

Whadya mean the Democratic Committee is run by the head of the Republican Committee? Huh? Huh? Whadya mean???

OK, let's build a case, shall we? A large number of small parts that fit together to form the jigsaw puzzle that is Ralph Caruso's Domain.

This election the Republican Committee was in an enviable position when it came to Town Supervisor. The incumbent, Sheila Conroy, is doing a fine job, is well liked and is a REPUBLICAN. So, who does Caruso's committee nominate for supervisor to run against the Democrat John Burke? NOBODY!

How odd!

How strange!

How Caruso!

Caruso doesn't control Conroy. This is a nono in Carusoland.

What Caruso (aide to State Senator Bill Larkin, y'know) doesn't control

he hates

and fears

and tries to squish.

Just like his boss (did I mention that he's aide to Senator Bill Larkin? Oh yeah, I did).

So, to recap. Instead of nominating incumbent Supervisor Sheila Conroy to run against John Burke, Caruso and his pet thing Don (the Don) Siebold, twist arms, legs and the truth to get their committee to nominate no one. Thus, unless something changed, Burke would run unopposed.

But then...

...something changed.

Conroy went out, on her own, with petitions and won her place on the ballot.

Oooowheee Doggie. Ralph didn't like that.

piece # 1

Welcome to Woodbury, where...

politics is a blood sport

democracy is a somewhat hazy concept

honest, free and open debate is on back-order

the Democratic Party is run by the head of the Republican Party

the Town Supervisor thinks that a brief answer is used only to respond to the question "jockeys or boxers?"

the traffic from Woodbury Commons, Route 6, Route 32, Route 17, Larkin Drive, Nininger Road and the New York State Throughway meet to form Orange County's finest parking facility

a new grass roots organization with SOCA somewhere in the title is born every six months

more whoppers are sold during the public comment segment of the Town Meetings then at all the Burger Kings in North America

West Point seems to do most of their loud blowing up of things

rumors are our single greatest export

if there is no street bearing your family name you're a newcomer

and

where the vast majority of the people living in the hamlets of Central Valley and Highland Mills haven't the faintest idea what a hamlet is.

Or as I think of it: home!

Quote of the day (though not necessarily today): "What ever happened to the Town Newsletter?" - Mike Aronowitz, Chairman of the Town Newsletter Committee.

Did you know?: Ralph Caruso is an aide to Senator Bill Larkin.
(Oh, you knew.)

Second quote of the day: "I can't keep coming up here to make a fool of myself" - Carol Mullooly, upon coming up to the podium at a town board meeting to make a fool of herself.

Did you know?: Jonathan Swiller isn't actually pregnant.

Third quote of the day: "I don't care about the town, I just care about my home." - Darlene Reveille, candidate for town councilwoman.