Ours is a shallow culture. The things that we ought to hold as important we don’t. The silly, little things which should mean nothing, mean all.

A name. How important can a name be? And yet, our names may be our destinies.

When Mr. and Mrs. Geraldine Gianzero’s Parents had their little daughter, something about her reminded them of Flip Wilson in drag.

When Mike’s parents (Which Mike? That’s the point.) decided, let’s name our son the same thing that everyone else in America is naming their son this year, was this in the best interest of the child? (By the way, have you noticed that not one of them feels the need to call himself "Michael (Mike)"?)

And then there is Ralph. COME ON PARENTS! You went and gave your kid a name that’s a euphemism for barfing! This is a baby we’ve got here, and he’s got to grow up hearing "After that 8th shot of tequila I ralphed all over my shoes."

Don’t do this to a child! I, Uncle Betty, know the burden of an ill-considered Christening!

OK, there was Ralph Bellamy. But he was a handsome man with a head of hair like a God!

And, to be honest, our Ralph isn’t.

As to the hair. It really isn’t so big a deal. Look at how Mike Erroneous deals with male pattern baldness. He shaves his head. And he looks fine.

Well, sure, he looks a little weasley. But no one says that it is an unhandsome weasliness.

Unfortunately, when it came to handsomeness, the Lord had other plans for Ralph. And mysterious are His ways (the Lord’s I mean) (well, come to think of it so are Ralph’s).

But, but, but...what’s with the comb-over? Shave your head, wear a wig, get implants, tattoos, cover your head in tin foil...any of these has to better than that comb-over. Come on now!

So, is it any wonder that a baby so ill treated by his parents, who became a man, so cast aside by the Hair Club for Men, would turn to the dark side?

Do not merely look at Ralph, sneer and turn away. Look at Ralph, feel some pity, then sneer and turn away.