Patent Pending

Is Ralphie as dependable as clockwork, or what?

Here it is, the day before the election, and what pops into mail boxes all over town?

Sugar plums?

Lumps of coal?

Nope.

The patented Caruso, always on time UNSIGNED LATE HITTING LIE.

And what a magnificent big stinking turd it is.

Dare I quote, or will Ralph sue for copyright infringement?

Town of Woodbury Town Board Members Voted Thursday Evening November 3, 2005 at a Hastily Called Regular Town Board Meeting – ok let’s pause here and admire the phrase "hastily called regular town board meeting." Honestly, could any of you have produced such a work of art as that?

The Uncle (who in his youth attempted to pass the occasional whopper, learned the hard way, that lying, like wing walking and bear baiting, is a pursuit best left to the trained professional) could never dare dream of creating such an exquisitely bald faced lie.

It’s as if Ralph anticipates the reader will see this mutant flamingo of a statement and say –"Naw, it has to be true, it’s so, it’s so,…obviously self-contradictory that no one would make it up."

Yes indeedee, that’s how the human mind works. Show it the impossible and it will invent an explanation.

So, we have this HASTILY CALLED, REGULAR TOWN MEETING. And were there refreshments? Jumbo shrimp, perhaps?

Nope.

We are told that it "was Originally Scheduled as a "Work Session" Meeting

(yes, of course it was, since every other work session is on Monday night, this mutant one was due on Thursday just so Sheila could be sneaky and turn it into a regular town meeting just like every other Thursday Town Meeting and oh my head hurts, but please, Ralph, continue)

"and Approved The Largest Zoning Change in Woodbury’s History!" Woodbury’s history? Just Woodbury’s history? Don’t wuss out on us now Ralph. It’s an obvious typo. Has to be. I’m sure it was meant to say: THE LARGEST ZONING CHANGE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!

And that’s only one side.
Turn the page over. I dare you.

"READ THIS ARTICLE" aha, John Burke has shown up. Ralph was far too subltle, only captitalizing the first letter of every goddamned word. None of that for big John, a hearty, well pompadored fellow, with capitalization to match – and yes, time for another pause while the Uncle draws yours mind's eye towards this happy band of warriors. See them now, prancing in tights through Sherwood Forest.

Spry, young Robin - no other than Ralph, a leader among men, an object of yearning among women, steady as a rock and twice as humourless.

And Little John, quite obviously, the largest, most fearsome of the group: Carol Mullooly. A woman, yes, but manly in so many ways. A veritable walking rump roast of a warrior.

Friar Tuck – Burke himself. A man of the material world with just enough of the spiritual to get him into the Abbot’s wine cellar.

Maid Marian: Bubbles Reveille, sitting side-saddle atop a prancing roan (OK a large, prancing roan).

Alan a Dale and Will Scarlet: Henry(Hank) and Bo Amidee Haviland (or is it Bo Haviland Amidee?) The Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Brain-Dead of Woodbury politics.

And, off in his keep, humming "shoo fly don’t bother me" the mad Sheriff of Nottingham: Don the Ankle Biter.

And what brings this band of merry men together?

Why, it’s page two of the patented Unsigned Late Hitting Lie.

Ralph, exhausted by his labors on the first side ("Hastily," remember? "Regular," remember?) lies spent, in a coagulating pool of his own grey sweat.

And so John Burke, and all his capital letters, stolen, one at a time, from the Board of Ed (along with a lifetime supply of chalk) takes over:

READ THIS ARTICLE
THE LAWS THAT WERE PASSED WILL PERMIT "HIGH DENSITY HOUSING" ON ALL THE LANDS LEFT TO BE BUILT IN WOODBURY!

Obviously the work of a lesser talent. "High density housing" indeed? That one was already done to death. Yes John, one house per acre John, high density John, sure John. Oh, ho hum!

All the lands left in Woodbury. Oh fer sure fer sure.

OK, OK. I’m hard on John. But what he lacks in wit and originality he makes up for in productivity. A mere 14 words, and he has crammed in three whole lies.

We already know about High Density. But then there’s the little idea that this applies to all the lands left to be built on in Woodbury. And what backs this up? Why "read this article."

I’ll give John this, that last one is subtle. "Read this article" isn’t exactly a lie, because it doesn’t state any facts – all it does is imply.

And what does it imply?

That if you read the article, everything that Ralph and John wrote will be backed up, and by no less an authority than Chris McKenna.

Now give these boys credit. There’s the article, right on the same page, out in the open, for anyone to read. And that’s the beauty part. The article doesn’t say a blessed thing about any of this. But they know no one is going to read it.

High density? – not in the article.

Applies to all the lands left to build on in Woodbury? – not in the article (except in Mike Erroneous’ fevered imaginings).

Hastily scheduled…originally work session…largest zoning change??? Nope, nope and nope. Not one blessed word about any of those in the article.

And they know you won’t read it. Wanna sneak a peek? Don’t tell anybody..shhh – here it is:

November 04, 2005Woodbury board OKs housingBy Chris McKennaTimes Herald-Recordcmckenna@th-record.comWoodbury – The Town Board met last night at the Woodbury senior citizens center and adopted a package of laws allowing developer Bill Brodsky to proceed with plans to build 451 homes on land previously zoned for 148, off Dunderberg and Nininger roads.All the votes were 4-1, with Councilman Michael Aronowitz casting the sole dissenting vote. Supervisor Sheila Conroy and councilwomen Geraldine Gianzero, Lorraine McNeill and Colleen Campbell voted yes.It was a strangely muted conclusion to a controversy that has stirred fierce opposition at town meetings. The crowd of about 100 was silent after the votes. Several spectators later rose to speak, but the board wouldn't let anyone talk about the project without the developer or his representatives there to respond.Afterward, Conroy reiterated what she has said all along were some of the project's chief merits, including the donation of more than 100 acres of open space to the town and the inclusion of age-restricted houses."The thing I feel bad about is it was turned into a political issue from the beginning," she said.Aronowitz, who has repeatedly urged the board to hold off on the votes until it finishes updating the town master plan, said afterward he was concerned both about the Brodsky project and a cluster-housing law just adopted that affects other large land parcels in town."To me, it's not just one project," he said.Brodsky's proposal still needs Planning Board approval. That board has already begun reviewing the project, even though the Town Board had not yet adopted the required zoning modifications.

By the way, the Mayor of Las Vegas wants to cut the thumbs off graffiti artists – how come we never get to do fun stuff like that in Woodbury?