Her Lips Said Yes, But Harassment No

OK, so Darleen puts out her campaign materials listing who she is and what she does and why that means that she’s really, really a terrific choice for town council.

And what makes her such a great choice? She manages the health department for Garfield NJ, a city bigger than Woodbury. Yay! I’m impressed. I’ll vote for her twice.

But Swiller isn’t so easily impressed, because someone whispers in his ear "She doesn’t manage the Health Department down there."

So, Swiller, who’s got way too much time on his hands, goes and checks the facts.

How?

He calls the Bergen County Department of Health and says "Hello, could you please tell me who manages the City of Garfield Department of Health?" (He is just so very polite, and, did we mention, he’s sweet as pie.)

So, Bergen Health Officer Sam Yanovich, tells Swiller who it is who manages the Garfield Department of Health, and for the life of me, the Uncle doesn’t know who it is (it isn’t in Swiller’s email) but, IT WASN’T DARLEEN REVEILLE.

In fact, Swiller asked, what does Darleen Reveille do there and Sam Yanovich said she was a nurse and why was Swiller asking? So Swiller read the campaign blurb to Sam Yanovich and Sam Yanovich said No, that isn’t so. (OMIGOD!)

So Swiller thanks Sam Yanovich for his time (Polite, remember? Pie, remember?) And then probably goes into a swoon or something,
unhinged by the news that Darleen had deceived her fellow townspeople in order to win their favor.

Half an hour or so into his swoon the phone rings. Instantly unswooning, he picks it up.

Hello (says he).

Hello Jonathan, this is Darleen Reveille (says Darleen Reveille). I heard that you were giving out misleading information about what I do here.

Huh? Huh? Isn’t that backwards (that’s me, the Uncle, commenting here.)

If you want to know what I do (Darleen continues), you should talk to my co-workers and my City Manager Mr. Duch.

OK, I will. (Says Swiller)

So Darleen gives Swiller Mr. Duch’s number (and her own office number so he can call back) and Swiller calls Mr. Duch and he is out and Swiller leaves a message and then calls Darleen back (Wow - is this exciting so far or what?)

The person who answers the phone at Darleen’s office says that she is busy. So Swiller asks to speak to whoever runs the office and he is put through to Ms. English. (Sure sure, it’s a long slog, but you gotta get the facts straight).

Swiller asks Ms. English what Darleen does. "Oh, she is very important to this department. She manages the nurses."

Oh, neat, that does sound important.

"How many nurses are there? Swiller asks.

"Just the two of us." Ms English says.

Let us now pause while that sinks in. Darleen manages the nurses at the Department of Health. There are two nurses at the Department of Health. Darleen is one of the two. The other one is her boss. Um? Eh? Um? Darleen manages her boss? OK.

"Thank you," says Swiller. " You’re very welcome, " says Ms English.

And then Darleen gets on the phone and explains "You know when people write flyers they’ve got to get it down to 200 words." And she says, she manages some outreach programs for the Department of Health.

(After all " Manages some outreach programs for the Department of Health" is a lot like "Manages the Department of Health" except that the second one is shorter, easier to say and is well, sorta, you know, a lie.)

Well Darleen says that Swiller is out to get her and is twisting things and she, Darleen, wants only what is best for Woodbury unlike a part-time resident like Swiller. (ooo, that last one must have hurt - after all, Swiller has spent almost an entire week outside Woodbury in the past year and a half). And then everyone is talking and no one is listening and can’t we all just get on?

This, this is your great story that’s so weird and worth staying up for?

Nope. The neat story comes a few days later when the Police Chief calls Swiller and says that he got a call from some police captain down in Garfield who called because he got a call from Darleen that Swiller is harassing her and her co-workers.

In brief then:

1. Darleen puts out false statements about her work claiming that she manages the department of health (For A City Bigger Than Woodbury).

2. Swiller calls a the Bergen Health officer and asks if it is so. (It ain’t)

3. Darleen calls Swiller. She says speak to the people I work with, and gives him phone numbers to call.

4. He calls them.

This is known as harassment. Remember, candidates must feel free to lie about their records without the fear that some stalker will actually check out the claims. Otherwise our political system would be left to those boring, unimaginative people who tell the truth.

And here’s a new campaign slogan: Vote For Darleen Or She’ll Have You Arrested.